Dating In Eden

Beggers Cant Be Choosy...

2010-10-22T16:32:00.002-04:00

Look, I have had only 1 guy break up with me...the first one I ever dated and that was for a 7yr period. He was a big loser. Well, they all were, or I wouldnt have left! LOL No really, here is the deal...I have friends that are DYING to meet a guy. What do they do? Go to work, work out, go to a club. OKAYYYY......and? I have invited many of my single friends to marketing events, chamber events, strictly business events, Biz seminars, knitting groups, grand openings of golf course country club events and I get SHUT DOWN every time. Why would I want to go there? I dont golf? My business has to do with women. I dont want to join the chamber. I dont knit and how do I meet a guy at a knitting group? HELLO!!!

Almost all people that attend marketing or business related events are men and guess what? THEY OWN THEIR OWN BUSINESS! Usually I am one of maybe at the most 5 girls in an entire room. REALLY! Of course I come with my BF, so the other 2-4 ladies in the room are swarmed with questions about their business and getting business cards left and right. Why go to a golf course opening? CAUSE MOST GOLFERS ARE MEN! Why go to a knitting group? Cause most of the women their have single sons or grandsons that they are ALWAYS trying to hook up! REALLY! My knitting group earned me 6 dates with a lawyer, banker, med school student and a few other guys, but it was a great time! It could have been a match!

Listen ladies, we arent getting any younger and the dating pool is getting bigger. If you really want to meet someone, jump at every opportunity or invitation to meet a new person that is not part of your normal routine! This is the way you meet a guy, especially if you dont want to do the bar routine. Good luck this week. Get out of your comfort zone and make it your priority to go somewhere different, new and not with a pack of girls. Make your entrance memorable!

Separation is always good...

2010-10-07T02:05:00.000-04:00

Its good for couples to have activities they do together and apart. You shouldnt be doing everything together or you wont realize the special times you do share together. Its ok, go out with the girls, take a trip, spend the night away...absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Relationships and Friends

2010-10-05T02:02:00.002-04:00

Often, when you start dating someone, you start to stay in more, and not go out as much. This leads to a different group of friends. Yes, you still have single friends, but they are going out to the bars, wanting to meet someone. You are more likely to meet up with other couples to go out with because you have more in common, you are more settled. Its a weird transition when it happens, but its natural. Dont be alarmed, you arent losing old friends, just re-defining what you want out of your friends.

Money in a Relationship

2010-09-29T04:20:00.002-04:00

There are many different theories on this subject, but there is one best solution. Share everything. Each person is going to make a different salary, but both are working equally as hard to bring in the income. Have shared bank accounts, separate ones too, but the main account needs to be shared so that you have a sense of unity. You are together, as 1 unit.

Before making large purchases, depending on your idea of large could differ from one couple to the next, but always ask the other partner if the purchase is ok. This keeps everyone happy and feels like they know where their collective money is being spent.

sooo happy

2010-09-13T20:51:00.000-04:00

My boyfriend is the kindest and most giving person, (next to me ;) ) that I have ever met! We have been dating since the moment we met. I was showered with love since the day we met. Dont think its not reciprocal though! ;)

We are both very giving and kind. We are both hard workers and have started a local business. We also share the same interests, hobbies, and passions. We both LOVE animals, LOVE to garden, LOVE to sell, etc, etc!

The only difference between us is that I am fast and impulsive and he is slower and methodical. I am younger, he is older. I am finishing my PhD, he has an associates and happy. He likes steak, I like shrimp. Other than that, we are a perfect match.

His friends tell me he was a lot different when he was younger. Well, who isnt?! (or wasnt!?!! lol) We all change our jobs, habits and friends over time. My mom is so calm and such a lady, but every times she sees him she just huggs, pats, and kisses on him. She sees and loves how sweet and wonderful he is to me. He is not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. Thats a great love. Some people say they would be lucky to be in love, but to be lucky enough to be in love with your best friend is priceless.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

2010-05-02T09:03:00.002-04:00

My boyfriend has been living with me for 4 mths in a 2 bedroom apartment that we share with my 2 cats and his black lab. Lets just say it's tight quarters. Sometimes we might snap at each other, but very rarely. After a tough week at work, I was looking forward to some alone time this weekend, as the BF was going out of town. After 2 days, I am ready for him to return.

It isnt just my boyfriend living here; he is my best friend that I share my life with. So though I do think everyone needs some space, I eagerly called him at 7am to find out when he was coming home! Sometimes sending someone away for a while makes you realize just how much you love them!

Don't Air Your Dirty Laundry....

2010-04-25T19:03:00.003-04:00

I recently had dinner with a friend of over 20 years that brought up my ex-boyfriend. She mentioned how incompetent, paranoid, and basically crazy, he was, which caused him to lose a major account to his friend, and let his partner fill his shoes and then some. The account he lost was to her relative, so she knew first hand.

She asked me about his paranoia, controlling behavior, etc and I didnt indulge. There are certain things you do not share with the general public. You quickly learn of someone's mental illnesses and move on. Be it idiosyncrasy, family bouts with schizophrenia, OCD, verbal/physical abuse, or just plain out not tolerable together and move on! It's not your place to air the laundry, but if you hang out long enough, you will figure it out, cause everyone else has, and YOU DONT want to be the butt of the joke and the wife of an incredible loser. Move on girls! Life is not worth settling and everyone knowing the laundry...

Becoming Secure

2010-04-20T06:08:00.002-04:00

If you are not secure in your relationship, its not the right one. You should not be intimidated by other beautiful women, celebrities or past relationships your partner has had. If you are, you are lacking something and know it.

Fix it and move on. You can never be a replacement or a stand-in. Be your unique self and stand out from the crowd. That is attractive. That is what pulls in a partner's attention. That is what makes you, well, you!

Quit trying to be someone else and be you! When you find yourself, the opposite sex will be falling all over you, literally!

Sorry for not posting...

2010-04-18T15:08:00.003-04:00

I guess when you get in a relationship,and its the right one, its not about tools and tips, it becomes life. I am not out at the bars or on first dates trying to figure someone out. I am now 9 mths into a relationship with my best friend, someone I hope to be with forever. We are ourselves and respect each other. We want to offer our best to each other, so it is really quite simple.

We love each other, respect each other, and no longer do the bar scene, which has eliminated some friendships that I did appreciate. But staying home and spending time with your significant other, and not money at a bar, seem to happen once you 'couple' up. It doesnt mean you disappear from socializing with friends, but to them, it can feel that way.

Dating a Family`

2010-04-08T14:34:00.000-04:00

Ever heard the saying, "You don't just marry a person, you marry their family"? It's true. Same with dating. If you are dating someone, you need to get along with their family, share similar interests, etc. One day they could be in-laws and its better to have the same religious, political, social and economic status so that their are more commonalities and less 'waves'!

First "Date NO-NO's

2010-03-14T19:19:00.005-04:00

1. If you are a guy and you both have had 1 drink a piece...dont ask for seperate checks.
2. Dont tell your date that you grew up on food stamps and this is the most expensive date you have ever been on at Ruby Tuesdays.
3. Dont ask someone out for a walk and then ask them to choose from a handfull of rocks that will determine your future with your date.
4. If your date is more interested in your 'stock', family background or personal image around town...RUN! NEXT!~
5. If a guy shows up in tattered shorts, tattoos showing, and a t-shirt that reads, "I Rode her hard and put her up wet." Throw him off the bridge.
6. If a guy tells you that his mom and dad slept in sepparate rooms and trys to move you into the guest room within the first 3-4 mths...NEXT!

And yes, these have all happened to me!

Couple-dom...

2010-03-07T17:19:00.002-05:00

There are lots of ways to spell couple-dum/dom, etc. but long story short it happens to everyone. You are living the life, having a great time with friends and then all of a sudden...you are a couple! Your friends are still single and you sink off of the edge of the earth...why is this?

Single people go out together to meet potential mates, but once you find one, do you think your mate or single friends want to share you or let you go out on Sat night? Your new boyfriend doesn't and your single friends say, "Where are you?" Its a tough situation.

Long story short....enjoy your new relationship but invite everyone to participate. Invite your single friends to a Sat/Sunday afternoon mixer so new and old friends can mix and mingle! Then...everyone feels welcome/involved and happy!

First Dates....

2010-02-21T11:32:00.002-05:00

Looking back over the past 2 years, I can think of wonderful and awful first dates. I know guys should be creative, but the first date is your FIRST impression and it should be a good one. If a guy is into a girl, he needs to pull out all of the stops!

Nice dinner, drinks and tons of great conversation. Quick coffee meetings, walks around the park or meeting up for ice cream suggests...hmmm, I am looking for someone, not sure if you are it, but lets see if there is any chemistry.

If a guy likes you, he will take you out to a great restaurant, have funny things to say, ask tons of questions about you, and after a few drinks ask you out again. If it fits, say yes! And end the evening with a great kiss.

A guy should be impressing you from the first moment on the 1st date. If he doesnt break out all the stops, well....stop right there...and move on. Next!

Dating after Divorce

2010-02-16T10:30:00.002-05:00

So you are divorced? Where can you meet other single people? I like the idea of a charity event. This way if you leave and dont meet someone, at least you have done a good deed. There are tons of 'Balls'....the heart ball, fur ball, Historic Downtown Gala, etc.

Or take a class, a shag/tango/salsa dancing class. Learn to play tennis then get on a rotating beginners league. Cooking classes are always great b/c you are meeting someone adventurous in the area of cuisine. Whatever your interested in learning more about, dive in! It Really could be a Learning Experience!

Moving In Together...

2010-02-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

Before you take the leap, make sure you have set up boundaries and rules. Who is going to pay what and who will clean/care for what, etc. Going from living alone to with someone can be frightening. All of your alone time is suddenly gone. You can no longer come and go as you please without someone seeing what your up to.

To make it work, make sure you set up alone time where you can decompress and enjoy being ALONE! It is healthy for any relationship. Everyone needs their space. Watch tv in another room, sit and do work in your office, take a bath and relax. Read a book in bed. These are little ways to escape the too much togetherness syndrome. Good luck!

Valentine's Day Gift Ideas...

2010-02-05T11:25:00.003-05:00

Last year, on V-Day, my boyfriend bought me a $200 worth of lingerie, $100 worth of flowers, drew a bath for me with candles and tons of chocolate. He was really into gifts, which I gladly accepted, but thats not what Valentines Day should be about. It should be about the two of you spending quality time together and doing something fun, yet romantic.

With the economy so bad, these are some better ways to spend your evening together:

-order chinese food in and sit in your pajamas and eat over candle light, use the fancy dishes/china
-write 50 reasons why "I love you" and read it out loud to them over dinner
-go to the movies and share a drink and popcorn
-go to the airport, park your car in a nearby field, lay a blanket on your carhood and watch the planes come in and take off at night
-make dinner and have a floor picnic, build a fire
-grill out and share a bottle of wine
-buy your significant other and yourself matching silly valentines day underware
-make chocolate fondue
-take a walk together and hold hands
-make a pot of homemade soup that cooks all day, enjoy it while watching a movie
-give each other massages
-knit him a scarf
-make a scrapbook of your lives together so far

There are tons of ways to celebrate the occassion without blowing your budget or going over the top. Remember, its not about the price tag, its about the time together.

What do you Love about Him?

2010-01-26T16:59:00.002-05:00

In the past 3 relationships I had, I sat down and tried to write out a list of what I loved about my boyfriend. Each time, I could only think of a few (2-3) things I loved about them, but could make a list of things I DIDNT like about them. That's when I knew it was over.

Last night, as I am gearing up for V-Day and My BF's birthday, I sat down to write "The List". I typed for 45 mins about all of the things I loved about him. The only thing on the "I wish I could change about him" list was that he takes long showers. Seriously? yep, thats it.

So do yourself a favor this week. Sit down and write the pros and cons about your special someone down on paper. It will help you evaluate your opinion of them as well as reassure you that you are on the right path. Now go sharpen that pencil!

Over 30 dating....

2010-01-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

So I have friends in their 30's, 40's and 50's all looking for dates. Where do you meet someone they ask? The potential pool of mates gets more difficult as you get older.

I was in a Catholic Church last week and noticed an ad for a Singles/Singles Again Group for over 35 yr olds. There was also a CatholicSingles.com/NC on the bulletin as well. There is jdate.com for jewish people as well as other sites per your denomination. Find an interest and there is an online way to meet someone these days. There are even dating sites for animal lovers! Datemypet.com

If you like to garden, volunteer at the arboretum or local park. Join a cards group or travel club. If you do what you love, then you will meet someone with similar interests!

Not 16 anymore...

2010-01-20T09:56:00.003-05:00

After reading an article in Marie Claire magazine this month, something struck me...one of the authors talks about how we arent 16 anymore, where everyone is either fabulous or a frog. There is a middle ground. No one is perfect. We have relationships where the sex is incredible, but you would change a lot of other things about him, then we have relationships where everything is perfect, but the sex isnt. We are ordinary people and not perfect.

Does he keep a messy car? Maybe he snores really loud? Showers too long? Kissing not that great? There will be things that dont make the fabulous category, but we dont live in movies, this is real life. Figure out if the most important things are met and accept people for whom they really are. If you can handle that, then you have found your match!

Compliments...

2010-01-17T20:55:00.000-05:00

Compliments are so important in a relationship. When you first meet someone, telling them you love their outfit, shoes or their ambitions is such a turn on and tells you that your partner/date is attentive. As we start to develop a relationship, those compliments can often fade, but are important to make a relationship last.

I was in a very intense relationship where I got ready every morning to go teach, and my boyfriend would say to me, "Hey sexy girlfriend..." which was about my appearances, and then eventually, we went to brunch on Easter before getting on the boat. He was in a t-shirt with holes all over it and I was in trouble for not being dressed to the 9's. We were getting ready to get on a boat. Seriously? This was about my appearance. This was not a healthy relationship.

I have also been told, "Wow, I couldnt imagine my ex understanding anything you just said." I recently told someone, "I am sorry, my wheels are just turning and I have all of these ideas." I received a very warm, "thats why I like you. You are so smart. You are always positive and motivational when I am down and depressed." Not one word about my appearance.

Hmmm....that spoke volumes.

The Facts are IN!

2010-01-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

Harvard released a study last month that marriages that last the longest have the following components....

1. The woman is more educated than the man
2. The man is 6-12 years older
3. Both have full time jobs
4. Immediate family does not live in the same town

Most divorced marriages had the following components:
1. Man had more education
2. Married before 30
3. Immediate family lived in same town
4. Wife did not work full time

So there are the facts....how do you fit?

6 mths...

2010-01-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the 6th month anniversary for my current relationship. As I was talking with the BF about this, he said, "It feels like its been 3 days!" Funny, my last relationship was 3 mths long and felt like a yr....

so the old saying must be true...Time Flys When you are Having Fun!

When Times are Tough

2010-01-12T16:26:00.002-05:00

When times are tough, its easy to end a relationship and walk away. The test of a relationship comes when things get bad and/or money is tight. I have been in many relationships, but my current one started while I was making the worse income ever in my working career. With two people use to living a certain lifestyle, having to cut back at every angle, it has been interesting to see how compromise, creative ideas, and true character shine. There is no fancy wrapping, it is what it is. We are ourselves. And knowing that we can handle economic hardships, deaths, speeding tickets, and whatever other curve ball life throws at us is reassuring. Since we are probably at the one point where most people would run, we started off this way and can only go up and I have never been happier!

That is a sign of true integrity, friendship, trust and love.

Domestic roles

2010-01-10T08:30:00.001-05:00

When dating, no one really likes to talk about domestic roles and chores, but it is inevitable if dating for a long period of time. Example...all of my ex-boyfriends have been neat freaks. My current boyfriend scrubs spots on the countertop I dont even see. He wont even leave a plate in the sink and the dishes have to be in the dishwasher a certain way.

Me...I let the dishes pile up til I need a clean one, then they get washed. I let the dirty clothes pile up til I need clean ones....get my picture. I also grew up with a housekeeper and ironing lady. This did me such an injustice. Instead of being disciplined enough to do it, I thought it was always someone elses responsibility.

We have now come to where we meet in the middle on the cleaning thing. I would have to hire a housekeeper, as I am great at a lot of things, but cleaning isnt at the top of my list. I also work full time and run several small businesses. Cleaning isnt a top priority. If I was a stay at home mom, duh? This wouldnt be an option.

But figure out who does what the best or do it together....it gets done much faster that way!

Remarrying and Children

2010-01-09T08:26:00.001-05:00

It is very important that if you are the new one to the situation that before you get married to someone that has children, you talk to the ex. You need to express that you are not there to replace them, but to be a positive role model for their children. Any man who doesnt step up to the plate to talk to the ex-husband is a coward and any lady that doesnt do this is intimidated. Nip this in the bud early on so everyone can resume normal lives without worrying about their roles in relationships.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-08T08:14:00.002-05:00

Every year since I could write, I have sat down on New Years Day and written out my goals for the year. As I did this again this year, I looked at my list and my boyfriend's list and they were very much alike. Probably, they looked a lot like most Americans....go to church more, pay off bills, work out more...blah blah blah.

But then, I realized my boyfriend has taught me so much in the past 6 mths and I wanted to incorporate some of his characteristics into my life. My boyfriend is an excellent father. He doesn't raise his voice, say no, and every moment is a teachable moment. He is a great role model. Taking from that, I want to be a better Aunt to my niece and nephew. Instead of dreading babysitting, I need to look at it like a new adventure or learning experience for them. What can I teach them?

My boyfriend also has friends from high school and college he talks to on a weekly basis. He is also almost 10 yrs older than I am, so thats a long time he has been in contact with his friends. So this year my main goal is to be a better friend to my friends. On New Year's Day, I called many people in my phone that I hadnt talked to in many months if not years. I want to be in contact with them over the phone, not just through a posting on facebook.

When I get upset I scream and say everything. My boyfriend just listens. He doesnt yell back, give advice...he just listens. I need to be a better listener. When he is upset, I fire right back. That doesnt solve anything. I need to just listen. Sometimes we just need to get it out. It doesnt mean we are looking for an argument.

So look at your current spouse, partner, or potential mate and notice what it could be that you like about them that you would like to try and emulate this year. It will make for a much better goal list for 2010. Good luck!

I Hate it But It's True....

2009-12-29T22:50:00.000-05:00

My entire life I have been on the bigger side. Yes I cheered in high school, tumbled, etc, but I was a size 10/12. I will never forget the homeless man in NYC screaming at me when I wouldn't give him money. He said, "I wish I could keep my wife that fat!"

Now after losing a lot of weight...my boyfriend calls me "smart, beautiful, tiny, and artistic". Wow. Before I would have gotten smart and artistic.

How do words affect you? How about perceptions? I will never forget what I was wearing or where I was standing, but remember being in the 3rd grade and fell off a bicycle. My dad said to me, "You better put the right oils on there now. Boys don't think girls with scars on their legs are pretty." That stuck.

Unfortunately, men are visual. Women are internal. We want the novel, men want the cover. I have been trying to talk the current BF into reading a book on this subject for 6 mths, and though he dreads it....it will happen eventually...even if I have to read it to him!

But bottom line, ladies. I can tell you I have been on both sides of the spectrum, so if you havent figured it out...try and understand now. Grow out the hair, bleach/file the teeth, get a wardrobe re-do....cause if its not working now, it wont for a while.

I hate to say that cause I was always against it, but now I understand. Its not right, but true....

When to have the "Talk"?

2009-12-28T22:02:00.002-05:00

With my last boyfriend, we had the "Talk" on date 2....big ALARM! Anyway...but now, in a more stable relationship, my current boyfriend talks about "Next year, in a few yrs...cant wait for this trip in 2 yrs" blah blah blah. But when do you have the "When are you thinking about popping the Q or talking about forever, well...forever?"

My advice would be:
-dating at least 6 mths
-he has mentioned future events, not just things you have planned in the future
-You have met his immediate family, he has met yours...both sides several times
-you are on the same page about finances, education, children, religion/politics

Then you:
-ask what do you think about the future with us?
-How would you feel about x,y,z.... (any concerning issues)
-How much time do you think it will take us to get to that level?

And BOOM...there it is.
There is no need to rush anything. With time, you learn tons! So take your time, learn about your partner and enjoy every minute. I am lucky to say that I am dating my best friend. We arent perfect, everyone makes mistakes....but we are perfect for each other!

Social Butterfly

2009-12-13T14:37:00.001-05:00

I love throwing parties, going to them, marketing events, PR, you name it! I was prom chairman, on every volunteer activity you could imagine and headed my Junior League groups in NC and Manhattan. So naturally when I wanted to go to a political fundraiser and then another for the local arts council, I was super excited and my boyfriend grumbled.

"I have been doing this for years and they are miserable. I hate these things." This week he expressed to me that both experiences we had at these events were some of the most fun things he has done in a long time!

Sometimes things and situations in our past may taint our opinion of future events, but remember, if the company is a better fit, more pleasing for everyone, than you will be happy no matter where you go. Sitting on the front porch, rocking in chairs and sharing stories can be like a trip to the moon.

With some people you may spend an evening:
But with others you will invest in it.

Why he Didnt Call You Back

2009-12-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

1,000 Guys tell All, by Rachel Greenwald

The goal of a first date is A.) Let him get to know the real you or B.) Get him to want a 2nd date with you

If you said A, you need a lot of coaching.

Dating is a numbers game and each date shouldn't progress into a relationship, but the more dates you go on, the closer you are to 'finding the one'! I was going on 5-6 dates a week, even 2 in a day before I met my new boyfriend. It was exhausting...but the numbers played into my factor.

Guys have 3 phases they put you in...
1. The filtering stage, where you are in something like a colander, and if you sift through to date #2, you are then
2. in the evaluation stage where he focuses on one woman who remains in the colander while he gets to know the real you and at a better level.
3. Then you get to the acceptance phase where your pros out weight your cons and the guy thinks, " I want the whole package". The better he knows her, the easier this becomes.

Are looks important, yes, but they also want more. They already factored in your appearance when they first asked you out. So that's always a plus!

#1 reason guys say they didn't call back: The Boss Lady, they felt like it was more of a business date than a dinner date. Also too independent and not nurturing enough.

Funny, cause I am very independent and was asked out again on all but 2 dates out of over 80 last yr. Interesting.

This book is good for beginners in the field if you are not sure where to start, if you have a clue about the dating world and have been in it for some time, start with another book.

Total: 3.5 stars

The Courage to Love Again by Sheila Ellison

2009-12-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

Great book, written by a divorced woman with children. She says she was complaining to her therapist about what she had not accomplished over the past year (get into a new relationship), so the counselor asked her to write down what she had accomplished over the year: bought a house, raised a puppy, funded retirement plan at work, began an educational IRA for daughter, got a raise and promotion at work and many more things.

If you don't take control, who will? The love we had for our boyfriends or ex-husbands at 21 or even 26 is different after having children or even passing the age of 30. That puppy dog lust is replaced with true respect, trust and other conditions that bring on a deeper kind of love. A different love. It is the courage to know you can do it on your own and the courage to know you can love again.
Rating: 4 stars

Find a Husband after 35 by Rachel Greenwald

2009-12-08T13:20:00.001-05:00

The author, a Harvard graduate, swears that if you implement her strategies, you will find a husband. She uses tactic taught to her at Harvard Business School and applies to relationship situations.

At first I felt her tactics were a little vigilantly, but now think that her tactics do apply to finding the right mate. Some of the great pieces of advice she includes are:
-purge negative influences (friends) and triggers, bury your baggage
-your marketing budget should be an investment spent on you. Look at your appearance, your clothes, new hairstyle, weight loss program, gym membership, etc. It doesn't take rocket science to know that men are visual creatures. Ask your friends to come over one night for drinks and do a fashion show. Ask them what looks great, perfect for a first date, and what needs to be given to grandma. Same about your haircut, etc...
-Also be prepared to have an entertainment budget. This includes drinks out with friends, tickets, online dating memberships, thank you gifts for your cheerleaders and team that will help bring out the best you!
-The author does talk about the horrible truth, but it is the truth. When it comes to men, they are attracted to the package first. Make sure you are presenting your best self at all times.
-Forget 'your type'. If they are breathing now, they are your type. Give them all a chance...well most of them.
-cut your losses. Lets say you spent $500 with online dating over the past yr with zero results. Cut bait and move your $$ to a more productive strategy, such as a great new outfit and $$ to spend for drinks at the hot new restaurant in town.

Overall, if I think you are serious about finding a husband, you should check out this book. 4.5 Stars

Its not you, its him!

2009-12-07T13:01:00.002-05:00

The Zero-Tolerance Approach to Dating by Dr Georgia Witkin

This book was all the things I had changed in my current relationship that helped me find the one I was looking for, so I will share some of the tips:

1. Look for a guy that is perfectly lovable and not perfect. That's the way a guy can really be like us.

2. Lose the list. If you have a checklist, you are looking for something good on paper, not right in the heart.

3. Open yourself to new possibilities by ordering from a different love list. This month, give at least 2 guys a chance you would have never liked before and quit saying, He's not my type".

4. Don't brush off a guy b/c of his fashion. Wouldn't you think a guy that did that to you was a jerk?

5.And finally is there such thing as love at first sight? A crush can be one-sided ,but a real relationship always involves two.

-A crush makes us feel self-conscious; love helps us feel self-confident.

-A crush can be based on external characteristics; love is based on inner character.

-A crush can occur when opposites attract, but love is based on our similarities.

-A crush interferes with our concentration at school, work, or home; love helps us toward higher achievement.

-A crush helps us escape from daily life for a while; love helps us manage daily life more easily.

-A crush helps us pretend we could be different by being with someone who is different; love helps us get real and be ourselves...

Crush and love are quite different!

Epiphany!

2009-11-21T09:06:00.002-05:00

So I am reading a new book and it refers to another book where the author stood outside of the marriage license office and asked women who were getting married about their future spouse. 30% of them were not attracted or interested in their future husbands when they first met them. WOW! THATS A LARGE NUMBER!

So I thought about my first long term relationship. It lasted 7 years. I didnt think he was attractive at first, thought he was quite goofy actually and annoying. Then at the end of the night, he randomly laid a big kiss on me. I felt it in my toes. End of story....it lasted 7 yrs.

My most recent relationship began with an invitation for a boat ride. I spent the entire day with him, on the beach, in the ocean, not even slightly interested. Then at the end of the day, we were on the elevator, and he kissed me. That was it. I have never looked at him the same since. He is the love of my life now.

So dont judge a book by its cover. Go out with the guys that ask you out, even if you arent interested...cause it could eventually lead to the heartbeat of your spirit and eventually, your new best friend!

Found the answer....

2009-11-16T19:21:00.007-05:00

There are many women who date for lust, money, 'what looks good on paper', the hottest guy in the room, the status, etc etc...

Last night my boyfriend told me that he loved me because we "complimented each other". After asking a few more questions...I got it. As I thought today about couples that are still together after times of trouble, long periods of time, or that are still ecstatic about each other after 20+ yrs, I realized this...they all married their best friends.

My dad always said that he married his best friend. My parents are complete opposites, yet hold the same values. After dating tons of guys, I am now the happiest I have ever been. I am not dating the youngest, hottest, most educated, wealthiest, etc.... I am dating my best friend. He has a great heart, gives more than he takes, is a wonderful role model for his children and impresses me more and more everyday. I have never had someone treat me so well.

He likes to sleep on decisions, I go for it instantly. He likes to hold his cards, I throw them all out on the table. He likes a meat and potato diet, I like eclectic and regional foods. He likes Carolina, I like Duke. I do have to say we are both "life of the party" personalities, so when we are in social situations, we are a riot! But we hold the same values on trust, religion, love, faithfulness, family, education and loyalty. I respect him and his opinion more than many others.

So at the end of the day, can you say you are with your best friend? I hope so, because its a wonderful feeling and I hope it never goes away!

Men Like Women Who Like Themselves!

2009-11-11T18:40:00.002-05:00

Men Like Women Who Like Themselves by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter

This book was great! Short and to the point! Going to share some of my favorites from the book:

Each parable begins with, THE SMARTEST WOMAN KNOWS...

-Just because it was a night to remember, he may still be a man you need to forget.
-Men like women who DON'T become Obsessed with them.
-If you want to talk to somebody who's always waiting for your call, try the psychic friends network.
-High Maintenance women are like high maintenance cars...fun to look at but not very practical.
-Men like women who understand the concept of 50-50.
-How much she can give and how much she can put up with.
-Making an intimate connection with a man is going to stir up every past intimate connection, both good or bad, that you have ever had with another human being.
-men like women who aren't afraid of silence.
-you don't have to answer the phone just because it is ringing.
-If you need to do something with strings attached, go fly a kite.
-If a committed couple tells you that they are in total accord about every decision they make, they are either lying to you, lying to themselves, or living in different states.
-Doesn't get the partner in debt, let their partner get them into debt, or judge their partner by the size of his paycheck.
-when it comes to sex, everyone is a little bit different. If you want to know what your partner likes, don't be afraid to ask. If you want your partner to know what you like, don't be afraid to tell him.

Rating: 5 stars!

Why you entered the relationship?

2009-11-06T19:00:00.001-05:00

WHAT??!! When I asked a boyfriend this before. I got all kinds of answers, but the author talks about how women marry for security and that men marry for a consistent and constant sex partner.

The book talks about how 'Tony' wants fun, companionship and sex, while she wants a life partner to share every aspect of their lives together. This will not work. As your partner why they wanted to pursue you and find out if the answer is enough worth sticking around for!

Discuss Sexual Expectations

2009-11-04T18:57:00.002-05:00

The Author of the Book, The Courage to Love Again, by Sheila Ellison, talks about how you and your new partner need to discuss sexual expectations. Everyone has had good or bad experiences. Talk about what you didnt like with your old partner so you know what areas or techniques are not likable.

One girl in the book told her boyfriend how her old husband never did any thing romantic. She wanted baths, candles etc. After never getting them, they were divorced. But guess what?

The next time she saw her new boyfriend, he had a bottle of champagne, bath drawn for her and candles lit. End of story!

Bringing talents to the table...

2009-10-29T19:12:00.000-04:00

Many people, or women especially, look for a man so that they can start their life. You should be looking for someone to share your talents with not depend on for a life.

A good example would be that I love to fish. I am in no way an expert, but my past 3boyfriends and current boyfriend are seasoned fishermen and have taught me so much. All of them were computer illiterate.

I am a social networking online-media guru. I have taught them so much about marketing online, etc. You shouldn't be expecting someone to create a life for you...you should be bringing attributes to the table to share and then enjoy together!

The Cinderella Theory....

2009-10-28T18:59:00.003-04:00

In all of my feminist theory classes from the masters to PhD level, there is a negative image of Walt Disney and what is called, Cinderella Theory. Disney gives us these images of ugly step-mothers, sisters, and the prince that swoops in to save the girl.

BONG! Ladies...you can not depend on a man to save you. Go to college, get a good job and make your own life. Once you become successful, you will attract the right mate. He wont think you are a gold digger, etc, but an intelligent beautiful woman that he would LOVE to be seen with. Never depend on a man to make your life, or you will never have one.

So when I opened the book, The Courage to Love Again, and page 1 was about the Cinderella Theory, I thought BINGO! This author knows her stuff....

Rating: 5 stars

Excuse the Spelling Errors! I type fast!

2009-10-27T20:40:00.000-04:00

This has been such an interesting evening, as I have read over my posts for the past few months and have caught more than several spelling errors. I am a SUPER fast typer and always have 10000 things on my plate, so reviewing what I wrote was fun, but caught all the spelling errors! For me, I am lucky just to get out my message!

AND, By the Way...I encourage you all to start a blog, track your progress in life. It allows you to have moments like I have had tonight to reflect, see yourself grow, and thank GOD you didnt end up with a screw ball!!!!

Diamonds in the Rough...

2009-10-26T19:47:00.003-04:00

Just as I spoke about how much I loved Todd Reed's engagement rings because they were uncut, rough diamonds, found in their natural state, I have found a new way of looking at stereotypes.

I did my masters thesis on stereotypes and how art educators could help break down those walls, but as a newly single person, I still had stereotypes. I was looking for a certain 'type' and once I read a book that advised me to look otherwise, I found my golden egg.

The book I am reading now is so great it is comparable to my favorite, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus...in the bedroom. I haven't thought any other book measured up til now. I ran out of books to read in the library's relationship section so I started on the divorced relationship books. The irony is that I am now dating a divorced guy and reading my first book on relationships after divorce and BOTH are the best ones yet! So I am excited to share with you this week little lessons and excerpts from the book. I cant wait to share them!

The Next one will be Better....

2009-10-23T17:35:00.001-04:00

With each relationship we learn many things. Mostly we learn what we didnt like about the relationship and wont put up with again. Looking back at my relationships I remember my first boyfriend...wow, what a loser! I have come along way. I realize what I want and my vision gets clearer.

Think about dating as fine tuning your perfect mate. Though no one is really perfect, you can have a perfect fit for you. As each relationship ends, a new one begins, but this time, you will have made a better choice in your selection.

So when you finally get to the one that is for you, you have build, created, and sought out your perfect fit. Til you meet the next one, have fun!

Engagement Rings...

2009-10-21T20:17:00.007-04:00

I had 13 emails this week about engagement rings, very interesting, but here is my take...

This is such an interesting topic to me because as a formally trained jeweler with a BFA in art studio and my focus was on jewelry design, I always thought I knew what I wanted. I wanted 2 rings, carved out of the same wax, something I created for both of us. Until recently...

Then I became enamored by Alex Sepkus and his gorgeous 2-tone rings in white and yellow gold, reminding me of Gustav Klimt's 'Kiss' paintings as well as the uncut-raw black diamond pieces by Todd Reed. After learning these pieces range up to 15K dollars, I started rethinking my idea of beauty. I loved them because they were like me, unusual, but the price tag wasn't pretty.

Interestingly enough, I have had some very serious boyfriends get very honest with me over the past few years. Early on, all have told me about family diamonds, the price they paid for the ex-wife's ring, what I could have re-mounted out of the safe at the bank and quite frankly....I am in shock.

I liked the unusual pieces of Sepkus and Reed b/c they were different...like me. Not the run of the mill big 'status-quo' chunk of diamonds in platinum that fits you in with the Jones' and flashy/classy status. I am not pretentious in any way. I dont care how much a ring costs. As a jeweler I can honestly say, that an engagement ring is not about the size, weight, etc. It is about the love that produced that moment.

If I am ever lucky enough to become engaged and someone feels they are ready to spend the rest of their life with me, then I am lucky enough... regardless of the details, cause the details are inside and between us, not in material objects.

**Though the picture above would be an example of my 1st pick by Todd Reed! ;) ***

When you arent looking.....

2009-10-18T22:50:00.001-04:00

Ok, we have all heard the old saying, "when you aren't looking you will find someone."

Well, I have always been looking, but honestly, when it wasn't planned, I found my new relationships.

I use to write an article as a dating blog for a national magazine, so I started doing Match, millionaire match, eharmony, yahoo personals, etc. to round up potential dates. Yes it was great practice and writing materials for the job, but led to zero relationships. In the course of a year, I have probably had over 100 dates as well as 80 second dates from these websites.

What is interesting, is that in 1 yr, I have dated 3 guys that I did not meet online. I met one playing the guitar at an art gallery opening last summer, another was an old family/town friend I ran into after actually leaving an online date at a restaurant, and the new BF on a dock at the beach.

So does the old adage of "When you arent looking it happens?" play out? Well, I have been looking for awhile and now its interesting to realize that while I was looking, the ones I met in my 'not looking time' on dates, planned events, etc worked out. Hopefully I dont have to look anymore. :)

Great Date Night

2009-10-17T22:36:00.001-04:00

Ladies, I have to tell you, men are NOT mind readers! You have to tell them what you want! Drop hints, leave notes, or circle things in magazines....

Fortunately, I am dating someone now that is extremely attentive and is incredible at picking up hints. I just had to say I needed an incredible date night and I had an entire week of it!

Remember ladies, you teach people how to treat you. If you let something slide, it will happen again and again. I am finally in a place where I dont have to address these issues, as I am being treated wonderful! I have never felt so much at peace or at home.

I spent the week in a small town with not much culture (which is extremely important to me) and my boyfriend made every effort to make sure every moment was incredible, fun and memorable! Life is good ;)

Is it the sex?

2009-10-16T21:59:00.004-04:00

As a feminist theorist and educator, I can tell you that women blame themselves often. They think a relationship didn't work out because they were fat, too tall/short, not great lovers, etc.

At the end of the day, sex does not define a relationship. Yes, when a relationship first starts out, the sex is often and incredible, but then routine hits and so does life. Women often blame bad sexual relationships on wrinkles, not losing the baby weight soon enough, etc.

For centuries, women have been seen as commodities. Traded for land, prized for their bodies, kept in hiding from men's wives, etc. We have to alter the way our young girls view themselves and the way our sons treat and view women. Sex is only one part of a relationship.

Sex is important, but it is only 1 part of the whole. You need to make sure your partner shares the same religious, political, social, and economic values as yourself as well as finding common hobbies, interests, etc. All of these pieces make up the big picture and when you find the right one, your sexual self will emerge and you will be able to be worshiped and loved as the goddess you are!

Helping During Times Of Need

2009-10-06T14:37:00.003-04:00

I had major back problems in my last relationship and my boyfriend at the time couldnt deal. He would drop me off at my parents house because he couldnt handle me being in pain.

This past weekend my back started acting up again, and the new boyfriend catered to my every need. He packed my clothes, loaded my car, cooked me breakfast and lunch and brought it to me in bed. He put my socks and shoes on my feet and even had someone drive my car 2 hrs home so that I didnt have to leave my car as I rode in his car with the seat down the entire way.

This speaks volumes. You do not want someone the wil run in times of a crisis. I am so thankful I figured that out in my last relationship before it went to far, and so thankful that I have now found someone that will be there and not run at the first sign of a crisis.

Do Long Distance Relationships Work?

2009-10-02T08:43:00.002-04:00

Absolutely! If location is an excuse for not dating someone, than it wasn't the right one. I had a long term relationship the entire 4 yrs I was in undergrad. He drove up on the weekends or I would visit during the week. It worked.

Once again I find myself in a long term relationship. Since we have been dating there isn't a week that goes by that we haven't seen each other. Since I teach at the college level, my classes aren't all day and everyday, so I have freedom through the week. He is a business owner and can come and go freely as well. And of course we see each other every weekend.

If you truly care about someone, location will not be a deterrent. A good friend of mine recently got divorced and has 2 children. He reconnected with an old friend that lives in Boston...and he lives in South Carolina. She flew down or he flew up at least once a month. They are now engaged, her work is letting her work from S.C. and she is going to help raise his children on their "week on week off" children schedule.

So yes, it is possible to have a wonderful long distance relationship until you can be together full time.

The Boyfriend Test by Wendy Walsh

2009-10-01T10:08:00.001-04:00

Great book, quick read. Had great tips, basically things we should all know.

-NEVER offer or pay for anything on the first date. This many is trying to win you over and put his best foot forward. I went out with a guy once that asked for separate checks and we were just meeting for drinks on a first date. He couldn't pay for my $2 beer....NEXT!

-The 5 date test: people tend to show you who they really are after date 5 and emotional maturity and real personalities start to emerge. Hold off planning the wedding til after date 5 ;)

-You can obtain any man you want. If you want to bleach your hair blond, wear stilettos and talk about purchasing your next G3 or G4 (thats a model of a private jet FYI), then you can attract that type of person. Unfortunately, many women change who they really are and lose themselves in the process of attracting a mate. Be your true self and the right mate will find you!

- Make a list of the qualities you are looking for in a man. Once you know what you are looking for, when you see it, your body language changes, you become more attractive to your potential partner and sparks will fly! Interestingly...I wrote down a few months ago what I was looking for in a partner and found it. I recently read to him the article on the blog about what I was looking for and he said, "That's me!". I know....see it works!

Rating: 4.5 stars

Exerpt from The Boyfriend Test

2009-09-30T10:01:00.002-04:00

pg.11 "Think of the first few dates as a classic job interview. This is a time when all prospective employees are on their best behavior. In business you know the requirements-appropriate attire, punctuality, polite small talk, a keep interest in the company to which one is applying.

So why do women go out with a guy a second time if on the first date he wears jeans to a nice restaurant (or a nice suit to a casual place), if he shows up too late or too early, if he isnt a great conversationalist, and talks only about himself and asking very little about you? I can hear the high-pitched cries right now, he had such 'potential!' I wish I could have a pair of Keneth Coles for every time I fell in love with someone's potential. Remeber, potential cant love you back."

The Marriage Compatibility Test

2009-09-28T19:01:00.001-04:00

Seriously? The author tells us in the forward that she has been married 3 times and now looking again. Her ridiculous questions include.... what types of floors do you prefer (tile, wood, carpet or concrete?) R U SERIOUS?!!!!!!!!! No wonder she is looking for her 4th husband! Life isn't about tile floors...its about compatibility, compassion and love. If you really, and I mean really, love someone....floors, jobs, income, bad decisions, etc WILL NOT MATTER. There will eventually be a test....and if you make it through that test, then you really did love each other. If you didnt...you are now divorced. But without that test, there is now....well no testimony. You should have never been together. You were looking to be settled, not looking for the right one and the right person in yourself. You made a bad decision to just be like the Joneses. How sad. But, the good news is...there is someone out there for you, the right one.

Never been happier...

2009-09-27T19:35:00.000-04:00

Life gives us lemons and we make lemonade...As Cat Stevens said it best....Now I've been smiling lately, thinking about the good things to come, And I believe it could be, something good has begun. Isn't life amazing. What a great gift we have been given to feel such emotions.

Peace be to god.....

Book by The Bachelor!

2009-09-26T18:04:00.001-04:00

Do you remember Travis Stork, MD? He was one of the 'Bachelors' on ABC and is now on the Dr's show...anyway...he wrote a book with one of his girl 'friends' called, Don't be That Girl! Those girls are described as:

1. The Agenda Girl: She is obsessed with getting married. Meets the guy within a yr, plans a wedding, then marriage, kids within 5 yrs and done. Game over and we live happily ever after. Unfortunately....EVERY agenda girl I know is now divorced. Enough said.

2. The Yes Girl: Oh wow, I know this one well...she agrees to everything the guy wants just to have a relationship and has no control over the relationship and has no personality. After leaving my ex-boyfriend he went back to his Yes Girl. They would make a great match actually, cause he cant NOT have control of everything.

3. Drama Queen: Everything is something! The guy on Myspace she chatted with 4 yrs ago sent her a message. All of her friends and family know. There is a lot of something out of nothing!

4. Insecure Girl: This girl looks good in person and on paper but still has no confidence. She needs alcohol to give her the confidence and she never wins...

5. Desperate Girl: This is a phone stalker/texter til she finally gets a response or attention. Like Fatal Attraction...kinda like a Yes Girl meets Psycho girl.

Unfortunately I know girls that fit all of these categories, and thank God they aren't my friends! But it was a good book to read from a guy's opinion and from a medical standpoint. It was a quick bathtub read in 24 hrs....

Rating: 3.5 stars

I'd do anything for him....

2009-09-25T17:58:00.004-04:00

Yes, we have all heard it before. We have either said it or know someone in this situation. Girl loves guy....he hurts girl, physical or verbally, she ends up in the emergency room or devastated and asks, "Doesn't he know I would do anything for him?"

This girl has lost all confidence in herself. The first time he didn't pick up the phone and call her back, or text....the first time he said a cuss word at her, the first time he raised his voice....she should have been out of there. That's abuse. Ladies, I could go on and on about this, but please, have enough strength to realize that when you do find the right one....he will treat you like a princess. Really. Good ones are still out there. If your man doesn't treat you well. GET OUT NOW.

After having a wonderful life, captain of my cheerleading team and dating the wrong guy who was abusive for 7 yrs...I was no longer myself. I lost myself physically and mentally, which I have know regained and am stronger than ever. Dont let anyone define you...Eleanor Roosevelt Said it best, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Dont Set Boundaries....

2009-09-24T17:48:00.004-04:00

My entire life, I have always been attracted to tall, thin, dark headed guys. The ones that I think about that I broke up with over the years were always blond. That is an interesting observation. Those blond guys that may not have been as 'tight' body wise, have gone on to become wonderful philanthropists, pediatric surgeons, missionaries, and so on.

Those dark headed guys...well, all ended up going no where. NOT THAT all dark headed guys go no where...but my point is, I was looking for what I thought was 'my type', but I was looking at the external.

I recently read a book that said be open to everyone, old, young, divorced, single, with kids, etc and so it opened my eyes. WOW! Now I am dating someone older, with children, gray, and not so thin....but I love every bit of him!

He is so funny, has the best manners, opens the car door for me constantly, has an incredible heart, loves all types of people, never raises his voice at his children- always uses every occasion to have a teachable moment with them and on top of all of that, he loves the water and plants as much as I do. We get along so well, finish each others' sentences and always pick the same meal at a restaurant, which we end up just splitting...wild. He is wonderful and I have never been happier. I am glad I let go of my boundaries or I would have never found such an incredible life....

With or Without A Man by Karen Gail Lewis

2009-09-15T10:24:00.000-04:00

This book was awesome! It is about living a purposeful and fulfilled life without expecting a man to bring you pleasure. Interestingly enough, I started following her advice and nesting for myself and that sense of independence attracted a partner that I know I will marry. Very interesting. I highly recommend this book.

Rating: 5 Stars

Available at the local library

Affairs....

2009-09-14T10:18:00.000-04:00

we have all heard of them, probably know someone that has had them, in the long run, lets get real...someone gets hurt. It may be fun, a fling, and a way for one partner to get out of a current marriage situation, not necessarily though to be with you.

From the book With or Without a Man, the author writes, "Any damn fool can have an affair; it takes a real skill to end one." Its not a good idea if you really love someone to be cheating on them. But "In the best of all possibilities, the enjoyment of the affair is yours and the decision to move on is yours too.

Being Ready and Loving Yourself...

2009-09-11T09:59:00.004-04:00

Often we say, once I lose weight, get that job or get a haircut, then I will find a man. Or if a guy isnt interested in us, its beacuse of our weight, personality, etc. Women internalize this 'non-compatability' issue with....THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!

Men dont do this! They think if something doesnt workout, it just wasnt meant to be...like the old adage of, 'sometimes the batteries dont fit'. Its not that there is anything wrong with either the batteries or the machine, we just were not right for each other.

According to the last book I read, the author states that:
1. If the relationship develops, a woman may say, "you see, all that work paid off, I am healthy now".

2. If the relationship doesnt last, she has a self-blaming explaination: "I wasnt healthy enough after all".

3. If she doesnt meet a man, she tells herself, "Im not healthy enough yet. I need more therapy."

Ladies, STOP internalizing relationships. Its not about you...you are perfect!

Ok, I know I have been behind....

2009-09-09T21:08:00.002-04:00

I have been living life and not posting lately, which I apologize for, but have great stories to share...I have some great books.... "With or Without a Man", and a few others that are VERY engaging.... going to post something daily for the next month. Working 2 jobs, blogging and a new BF have kept me busy! Love you all and thanks for listening!

Prenumptual Agreements...

2009-09-04T17:29:00.004-04:00

Before you get to where you are too far into a relationship to figure out finances, you need to have the financial talk.

There are many different factors that initiate this kind of conversation, but for me, it evokes fear. My father is a financial planner and tells us stories about women who are second wives and after their husband die and the children kick them out.

Ladies, bottom line...I have a few pieces of wisdom....

1. If you have children, teach them that their education is something that No ONE can take away from them. The govt, etc can take your home, cars, business, etc...but no NO one can take what you know. Education is key.

2. If you are a female, dont rely on a man. NO REALLY! Get educated and make a career. Set yourself up financially.

3. If you are giving your monthly payment to a home, your name should be on it. Don't ever, EVER, try and take something that isnt yours, but know that if you are working your butt off for it and paying for it, you are co-signers.

Protect yourself.

Rockafeller, Hemmingway..blah blah blah!

2009-09-03T23:14:00.002-04:00

So I will never forget living in Manhattan, in a Penthouse apartment...Penthouse A. Working at the MoMA, going to NYU and throwing wild parties on the terrace next door to Trump. One night I finally started talking to a guy that I will share with you...was a Rockefeller.

After a few hrs at a MoMA opening party (the Rockefeller's founded the MoMA and it was the women in the family that built the museum as was Peggy Guggenheim for the Guggenheim Museum). Anyway. We talked about me being from the south, and everyone knew everyone and that in NYC...you weren't a debutante anymore, a girls school graduate, etc, but a person...a number.

Whenever he went to apply for a job, people wanted to hire him for his name. He always got the job he said, because people expected funding from him. As an extremely articulate and very attractive young male, I asked if he was single. He said, "Can you imagine after the job search what girls think when I introduce myself?"

Long story short. We have all come from somewhere, but that does NOT define us. I found this _______ Rockefeller handing out tickets at the MoMA on the way to the bathroom and helping Chinese students get the appropriate headpieces to understand the art. For him, it was about finding a passion, something him and his grandmother both shared....art. For everyone else, he will forever be a Rockefeller, a Hollingsworth, a Hemingway or a Ford. Too bad.

When you think others have it worse OR BETTER, realize what image you are creating and what you want to do with your life. Live the life you imagined as Thoreau said, but in the right sense....not in the way you want the world to view you, but in the way that you know that helping the Chinese students find the Matisse exhibit matters and that the people of the US welcomed them into their galleries/museums.

You will never get another chance to make a first impression, and as for a product of the Rockefeller family, one that doesn't have to work, but passionately working every day at the museum at the visitors table...that spoke VOLUMES. I only hope my passion for my interests are that clear.

Peace be with you all and I hope you find your vision.

Relationship Update

2009-08-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

Things are going wonderful in my relationship. I recently went to the family farm and met local friends, took a trip to the Blackbeard exhibit, and toured the city. Everything is great and couldnt be better!

Bonding

2009-08-27T10:14:00.000-04:00

There is an old saying that goes, "Families that pray together, stay together." Activities are crucial to a relationship. Building experiences and common activities are important because they build bonding experiences. Cooking dinner and staying at home are not great bonding experiences. Get out and take a bike ride together, build a garden with each other, carve pumpkins, take a walk, go to a museum exhibit on a Sunday afternoon together. Activities make the heart grow fonder and create special and lasting memories!

Be Yourself

2009-08-26T10:21:00.000-04:00

When in a relationship or dating, we often put our best foot forward in the beginning and over time, people show you who they really are. You should spend at least 1 year dating someone to see how they act in each season, what are their patterns etc. before marraige. If you arent yourself, you are portraying an image, not the real YOU! Wouldnt you hate to wake up one day and be married to someone you didnt know? Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken!

Dealing with the Ex

2009-08-25T10:08:00.002-04:00

There will always be someone before you. What you dont want to do is ask 100 questions or compare yourself to them. You are not the same person and over time, details will emerge. There is a reason why they are no longer together and thankfully for you, it gave you an opportunity. Sieze the moment! Never bash or talk ugly about a boy/girlfriend's ex. It will only make you look jealous and trite. There is an old saying, "You cant be first, but you can be next!"

emotional intimacy

2009-08-17T19:47:00.003-04:00

I have dated many men. I have been lucky enough to have dated emotional ones, manly ones, and all inbetween. I have realized that for me, the men that are more emotionaly intimate, are less sexually intimate, and not great partners for me.

I am in a relationship now with a man who is not as emotionally intimate as my past boyfriends, but feel this is a better fit for me. Why?

I need a guy that can be a companion and take on the male role in the relationship, since I am more of the aggressor in other areas of my life. I can get the emotional intimacy from close girl friends to fill that need. But it is very important to figure out what it is you need in a relationship. What kind of partner are you looking for?

I need a man's man for sure.

Relationship Lessons

2009-08-12T10:31:00.000-04:00

Every dating experience and relationship is a lesson. My last relationship ended for many reasons, but I could never get him to go out to dinner. My favorite restaurant is Tower 7/ K38. I was ecstatic to hear that my friend saw my old beau Sat night there with his new fling. Its great to see he has learned that without compromise, he lost a great catch. He has learned from it and is out at K38 with her eating dinner. Thats a huge step and I am excited for him!

Guerilla Dating Tactics by Sharyn Wolf

2009-08-11T10:18:00.001-04:00

This was a great book that offered all kinds of scenarios and situations where you could use to land a date.

-Using an offbeat line to use as an icebreaker to walk up to a potential dating partner such as, "Do you think we will ever convert to the metric system?" or "we are taking a poll to see where men/women in Wilmington like to go on first dates, whats your choice?" or "We are trying to figure out what is a good opening line when walking up to someone, what do you think?"

-non-verbal flirting such as smiling and winking: 3 rules of winking: Wink only in public places, smile, dont drool when you do it, and Wink ONLY ONCE!

-the art of disengaging a conversation when you are bored to death or not interested: politely say excuse me because I havent:
~attended a party in months and want to meet everyone
~havent had a date since Elvis died
~I promised myself I would circulate tonight but maybe we will bump into each other later

-drawing attention to yourself at a gathering by having: glow in the dark necklaces at a party (I have done this b4), a guitar, tarot cards, fortune cookies, etc

-when wanting to ask someone to dance, walk up to the entire group and ask if ANYONE would like to dance. This will allow for the group to accept you, and when you are ready to ask the next person to dance (the one you really want to dance with), you will already be seen as accepted by their friends.

-I have said this before but will reiterate this point. COMPROMISE is KEY. Everyone you meet you will like 80 percent gold and 20 percent dirt. Look for the 20 percent you can live with.

What is Success in a Relationship?

2009-08-10T10:11:00.002-04:00

My friend and I were talking about success in a relationship. What defines success? Well first you need to realize what is your goal? In a past relationship, getting my boyfriend to go out to dinner downtown or have sex after 8 am was a goal. These goals never met, led to a break up. For him, having a girl on his arm that never questioned anything was his goal, and now dating a girl he made fun of to me and his friends, has achieved that goal.

Is your goal to get married? Get a date? How about sex? What is the goal? For me, success in a relationship is that we can compromise. The relationship shouldn't be one-sided. So today's goal is to figure out your dating goal. Are you dating to find 'The One' or are you dating just to have companionship? Are you in a relationship just to be in one, or is it successful, and how do you define success?

Dating someone with Kids

2009-08-04T17:31:00.002-04:00

This can be very tricky, as you dont want to replace their mother or father, you are just a new addition and this can get awkward. After recently meeting my boyfriend's children, I was a little hesitant but then instantly went into teacher mode.

Thank goodness I have a degree in the education field and went straight into teaching them how to do things and creating a fun environment. Be prepared to not be the center of attention, but rather bring to the group a new dynamic that can be seen as positive.

So I am heading to the beach tomorrow to hang with the entire fam, including the kids, so of course I have homemade cookies and an art activity bag put together for the lull moments in the day. Bringing candy, cookies, or fun things for children to do will help them associate you with a good time.

Wish me luck! I will keep you posted....you know I will!

Cougars, Pumas, and Bobcats...

2009-08-02T15:07:00.001-04:00

After much debate here it is...

IN ORDER OF AGE:

Bobcat – A cougar in training; a girl who is between the ages of 20-30 who is displaying early characteristics of cougarhood.

Puma - A young woman typically in the age range of 30 to 40. They lurk in the shadows of bars and clubs wearing the newest fashions and listening to the trendiest music. They mostly hunt in packs for a man typically younger than them that they can string around for the night and make there boy toy. They sometimes travel with a Cougar or two, these are there mothers. Be warned being mauled by a Puma is better than a Cougar or Sabretooth.

Cougar - A Cougar is a female, usually between forty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men. Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name Cougar.

Jaguar - In the lexicon of older women seeking younger men, a jaguar is 50 and over, where the cougar is in their 40s, and the puma under 40. Jaguars tend to be financially stable and are only looking for sex from their 20 something prey.

VARIATIONS ON COUGAR:

Panther - Chocolate version of a Cougar or Urban Cougar. Sometimes called "Black Cougar". This variety can usually dance and move much better than it's lighter Cousins. Typically has a finer appreciation for Hooter's buffalo wings and Crystal Champagne. Often seeks young fresh light man meat. Watch out for this predator as she relies on stealth.

Mountain Lion - A mountain lion is similar to a cougar, only it refers to an UN-attractive older woman seeking younger men. The only difference between the terms mountain lion and cougar are that cougars are usually somewhat attractive, and mountain lions are usually quite ugly. The mountain lion's natural habitat is at bars.

So if an older woman dates a younger man,there is a name for it. What if an older man dates a younger woman, what do we call him? How about lucky.

You're Hot!

2009-08-01T08:08:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I have to tell you all I tried a little experiment. I read an article about how Senator Edwards got 'hooked' on his girlfriend for the first time and stayed with her for so long. So I tried it. The article was in Cosmo for any of you that would like to read it.

It said that the girl looked at the Senator dead in the eyes and said, "You're Hot". She kept reiterating that over and over and because of his vanity, he was hooked.

Sooooo......I met 3 men in one week. At some point in the evening I looked each one dead in the eye and said, "You are sooooo hot." Bingo.

Needless to say, all have been calling and texting me obsessively. So not sure if it was something else, but guess what ladies, I think it worked. Try it and be amazed! Who doesnt want to hear they are hot? I know I do!!! Good luck!

Stop waiting!

2009-07-30T14:52:00.000-04:00

One of the books I am reading talks about how we spend our lives waiting for the man to enter our life before doing anything. Example...I havent bought a new couch, cause I think that when I meet 'The One', we can just pick out one together.

Many women are renters, thinking, once I own a home, he might have one...its easier if I just rent til I meet him and we can get a house together. STOP!

You cant live your life waiting for someone to enter your life before you start building a home, community or neighborhood. You build your life and let him enter it.

So today, I have spent the afternoon repainting a frame around an old print to hang in my house, because my house needs to be complete...like me ;)

Tip of the Day....

2009-07-29T17:11:00.000-04:00

There will always be someone younger, smarter and prettier. But there will never EVER be another YOU! So like the Army says, "Be all YOU can be!"

Older Men

2009-07-28T17:07:00.002-04:00

I have recently been dating older men. I have found them to be more stimulating, settled, successful and entertaining. They also know how to treat a lady and don't need training! But how old is too old?

On my birthday I went out with an older man and people were staring every where we went. Maybe that is too old, but I find him highly attractive and entertaining so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

However, I want to share my life with someone and not find someone on the 'way out' of their life. After talking with some friends I realized one of my friends was 8 yrs younger than her husband. Another was 12 years younger than her long term boyfriend of 7 years.

The guy I have been spending most of my time is 8 yrs older. At first it bothered me, but as I looked around I realized it wasn't as odd as it seemed. So whats the final verdict? I think age is just a number, and if you are cool with it, go for it!

Thank you....

2009-07-27T19:46:00.004-04:00

Thank you for reading my blog and learning about my experiences in the dating world. Because of you, I constantly reflect on my actions and am learning about myself daily. I have just had a major epiphany. I had a very serious relationship for 7 years, where I saved Martha Stewart Wedding magazines, and still have them from the early 90s. After giving up on men, I quit reading them until lately.

The last boyfriend asked me the next day after we met, "What do I have to do to make you not walk out of this house? Put a ring on your finger?" And that was it. I started scouring all of the new wedding magazines out there and creating a wedding folder where we were already fighting over locations and what I could wear...Hello?!!

Obviously I am not married now, and this was not a good match for me, so it put me back into the singles scene again and I gave up reading these magazines, til now.

After dating 2 men that I like, I know one would never commit and the other is really into me and I like him too, I have started reading these bride magazines again. I am not sure what this is about...

I did find it very interesting tonight that I re-opened that wedding image file on my computer and deleted visual images that I had picked out for my wedding with the old boyfriend. I was about to add pics that reminded me of the possible wedding between me and the new guy til I paused, reflected and wanted to thank you. Lets just say no new pics were added to the file.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Create your Own Rituals

2009-07-27T14:01:00.003-04:00

We place rituals on many things in life, but most take place after one is married. You have wedding rituals, anniversary rituals, christenings, showers, china patterns and on and on. Well guess what? You may never get married. Does that mean you shouldn't have your own china pattern or your own rituals? Heck no!

I have several rituals. First, my birthday is always a huge celebration. It never goes un-noticed and my friends and family always know how important it is to me.

Baths. I love baths. I come home from work and get in the bath, light a candle and relax. When the old boyfriend told me I could no longer take baths at his house because the water bill increased by $7 for the month...needless to say he was a goner!

Bloody Mary Sundays. I love bloody marys. Every sunday you can find me with my friends at Dockside or Bluewater drinking one...well, most Sundays!

Candles. I love candles. Every night during sundown, I light a candle and read my book on my porch.

Ornaments. I love Christmas ornaments! When I travel, I collect an ornament to remind me of my vacation.

You don't have to be married to have rituals, so start today creating your own!

Men: Visual Creatures

2009-07-26T15:44:00.004-04:00

I thought it was my jazz music blaring loudly, then I thought it was the luxury car I was driving temporarily, then I thought it was because I was dressed to impress, until today. I had been scrubbing the floors in my house and was taking out the trash, not my hottest moment, when a guy slammed on breaks, slowed down and basically stared me up and down. This isn't a first.

I am now coming to grips with my new body, as I still see myself as large and often meander to the plus size section without it even hitting me that I am now half of my size. These men are staring at me because of the way I look. I still have that 'big girl' mentality, but when I catch a reflection of myself during the day, I think, "Wow. Those are some incredible legs." It never registers with me that they are mine. This may sound very strange, but believe me, its even stranger to me.

I use to wear long pants, long skirts and BLACK BLACK BLACK. Now, I an in tank tops and mini skirts, brightly colored clothes and the transformation and reflection has been amazing. The more amazing part is the way people treat me now. That's really a shame actually. I am still the fun loving, giving person, yet now my outside matches how I feel on the inside. Unfortunately, men dont often see the inside first, they are always looking at the cover.

Now that I have realized that you cant judge a person by their cover, I have taken off the blinders, not dating the hottest guy in the room anymore, but the most giving, loyal and successful ones and I have never been happier. This has been the best life lesson.

Dating Tactics

2009-07-24T16:18:00.003-04:00

My sister, myself and a friend were talking yesterday about our approaches to dating. I, being more aggressive, give my number to any guy I find attractive or intriguing. I'm not shy about it. I say, "Hey, its been nice talking to you. Here is my card, call me if you want to go grab a drink sometime."

As we discussed, this can backfire just a bit when you have guys calling you and no idea who they are. On my birthday, I received 4 calls from guys and didn't have a clue who 3 of them were. Its all good, as I was able to figure it out and move on with the conversation, but the way I see it, I am not pining over some guy I met to call. If he calls, he calls, if not,well...NEXT!

My feelings don't get hurt this way, and I am not wondering if he is going to call. I know that every one's strategy is different, but for me, its a numbers game. The more cards I give out, the more calls I will get, which will in turn, bring new wonderful men in my life. If I wait for them to ask for my number, my boat may never come in....literally. :)

Birthday Reflections

2009-07-23T12:28:00.003-04:00

Today is my birthday and I was remembering 2 yrs ago when I turned 30. I threw a huge party on a pier over the water, had a bluegrass band, a palm reader, belly dancer and magician at the party with 50 of my closest friends. I looked around and was miserable. I thought by the time I was 30 I would be a non-smoker, thin, married with kids and in a job I loved. I was none of those things. After realizing no one could make those things happen but me, I put on my game face and went to work!

The day after my party, I went to the doctors office and got a prescription to get me off of those nasty cigarettes. Along with a plethora of other things I battled, I have now arrived at the age of 32 as a smart, non-smoking, skinny, love my jobs, and dating-often person. I love my life! I wouldn't trade it for anything else!

Now that I love me, it shows from the inside out, and makes others want to love me too! My cup runeth over when it comes to dating opportunities and I am not married with kids, but rethinking the whole idea anyway. Dating is so much fun!

But seriously, you are the captain of your ship. You only get one shot at it, so make sure you are living your dream. YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN, I DID!

"Live the life you imagined." -Henry David Thoreau

Be Prepared and Aware!

2009-07-22T14:23:00.002-04:00

This past week on 2 occasions I have had the wonderful opportunity to see men hit on my friend, Susan, over and over again. After saying to her, "Did you give him your card?", she responded, "Oh he wasn't into me, he was asking about my job." HELLO!! What would a 30 something guy want to know about a girl that deals in women and children's clothing! "He was hitting on me?" she said to us. "Yes".

So what are the signs someone is hitting on you?
-well, they talk to you and seem interested and keep talking to you.
-they ask questions about you and want to know more about your life.
-they ask for your number or business card, no not to buy their 'aunt new clothes', but to use that as an excuse to get your number
-they repeatedly come up and talk to you through out the evening

So, #1 rule of thumb...HAVE CARDS! How can someone contact you if you don't have information to give them? If you don't feel comfortable giving out all of your info, get cards made for cheap or even on your computer with your name, cell number and email. Its very traditional, classy and old school...they are called 'calling cards'. I have several, and also carry my college business cards and art gallery cards depending on how much information I want to share with someone.

Remember, there is no such thing as luck. Its when being prepared meets an opportunity. You cant win the lottery if you don't play the game!

Happy Hunting!

Honing in....

2009-07-21T10:19:00.002-04:00

So the dating process has been very interesting. At 1 or 2 dates a week, its exhausting but helping me realize what I am looking for in a potential mate. Last night I went out with a 28 yr old attorney. We went to a fancy dinner and it was wonderful, however, the conversation was fluff. I spent the entire night asking about his family, his hobbies, and was bored to tears.

He talked about his fathers gambling addictions, things you should never mention on a first date. Needless to say, he was a great person, but the conversational level of a 28 yr old and an intelligent 32 year old are not the same. I have realized I need someone on my intellectual level, and yes attorneys are smart, but age plays a big part in someones conversational skills.

So after dating 2 attorneys this week, a 27 and 28 yr old, I definitely know that I need an OLDER MAN, or someone my age that can hold a conversation!

Keep the door closed!

2009-07-20T11:29:00.000-04:00

Yes, your life is going well then late one night comes the dreaded call. They always call. It could be a month later, 6 mths later, or a yr later, but they call. The ex's. Those darn boys. Yes boys. Dont they realize you closed the door for a reason?!

Dont reopen the door. There is a reason you shut it the first time. Yes, its like an old shoe. Its familiar, comfortable etc, and they are going to tell you how bad they miss you, you are the love of their lives and no woman can live up to your memory.

STOP RIGHT THERE. Its sounds good, but tell him that you have moved on and so should he. There is an old saying, "First time, he is a fool, second time you are the fool." Dont go back. Tell him to enjoy his second fiddle and hang up!

Give them all a chance!

2009-07-19T11:21:00.000-04:00

This past week, I have had several dates, even 2 in one day! Interestingly enough, they were not my usual tall thin, dark haired svelte types that I usually swoon over. One was younger and 2 were older, 1 much older.

All were established in the careers, one a lawyer, one a surgeon and another a business entrepreneur. All were boaters and enjoyed showing me around the water. What I realized, is that they weren't what I usually go for and I found them to be the most intriguing men I have ever met! They were in great spots in their lives and looking to share it with someone.

Needless to say, all 3 have called me back for second date and one has invited me to be his date for dinner at his home with the Governor...who knew!

When to Cut Bait...

2009-07-18T10:30:00.000-04:00

One of the guys I have been dating over the past few months vanished about 2 weeks ago. I was really happy b/c I realized quickly that due to lack of education and refinement, we wouldnt make a good couple. He had tried to do the whole "sex early on thing", which didnt happen. So I was glad he disappeared because I didnt want to tell him I wasnt interested anymore.

When you are dating multiple people, you need to make sure you are in a committed monogamous relationship before taking it to the next level. So this guy wanted me to make a commitment over a month ago. I couldnt. I am seeing 2-3 different guys a week and that wouldnt be fair, especially since I knew I would never be with him long term.

So this week he starts texting again. Even if I was interested, I wouldnt respond. Ladies, if a guy went stale on you for a while and then comes back. There is a reason, and usually its another woman. Do you want to play second fiddle to some other chick? I wouldnt. Move on. Your better than that!

Don't Bet on the Prince by Dr Gilda Carle

2009-07-16T19:11:00.000-04:00

How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself

I loved this book! It opens with the discussion of the Cinderella Theory that all girls think a prince is going to swoop in and save them. WRONG! The prince may never come...and guess what. It will be okay. If you love YOU then people can see that and eventually you will attract the right partner.

She drops 'Gilda Grams' throughout the book, making short lessons. Some of my favorite include:

Make yourself the prize before you prize a partner.
Don't bet on the prince. Bet on yourself. Self love is never unrequited.
When we quit trying to please others, we please more people than we know.
When you know its your right to say NO, you can freely choose the times you say YES.
Its better to be a single bookend than a mismatched pair.

And my favorite: You cannot receive if you can not forgive. So many times after leaving a relationship I have been so angry I think of those women on tv who set their boyfriends clothes on fire, key their car, etc. I have anger in my heart. Each time I have let myself have a weekend of 'getting it out of my system', looked back at the person and forgave them for their actions. If we cant forgive them, this person will affect our future relationships. Hard or ill-willed feelings get us no where, they only keep the ex in our lives longer. Forgive them and feel free again!

Go check this book out today!
Rating: 5 stars

Love Smart by Dr Phil McGraw

2009-07-15T18:57:00.000-04:00

I loved this book and highly recommend it! Dr. Phil talks about creating the Character of You. What is your defining stamp? It is the "clear and distinct product that caused somebody to be attracted" to you. It is authentic, it is YOU. So in my quest to find out my authentic 'Me', or what do people think of when they think of 'Nicole', I asked 7 different people what do they think of when they think of me...amazingly I basically got the exact 7 same answers. Looks like the 'Character of Me' is very clear, I just didn't realize it. My authentic self is fun, the life of the party, smart and giving.

He also talks about how you need to have your own passions and not agree or do everything your mate wants to do. Don't become a Stepford wife. "If you are nothing more than a yes girl, there is no spark, tension no heat. Its boring and you become predicable and an accessory."

I highly recommend this book, one of my favorites! Go get it today!

Rating: 5 stars

The Marriage Plan by Aggie Jordan

2009-07-14T18:48:00.001-04:00

How to Marry Your Soul Mate in One Year or Less

This was a wonderful book about how to create new experiences and focus on your goal if it is one of marriage. She starts the book with you setting a date in your mind to be married by, but she says you have to be willing to look at all types of men, including divorced men and men with children.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, as I want to be with someone that has never been married or doesn't have children, but this past weekend went out with 2 men that both had children and were divorced. I liked them both so much that I could have easily continued a long term relationship with them both.

I guess the bottom line is never say never and keep your eyes open for possibilities everywhere!

Rating: 4.5 Stars

Small town....

2009-07-14T16:10:00.005-04:00

OK, Wilmington is not that small, but seriously, you know its that small when I am sitting at the stop light today and look over to see the ex-boyfriend and his best friend next to me. Looking incredibly hot, I thought, why not....

So I honked, waved and winked at them both! I thought it was great actually! I really do feel sorry for the old chap. Its a great feeling knowing you have the world in your hands, you are living the life you imagined, and can look at old lovers as jokes and lessons learned instead of thorns in your side.

As for me, well I have another date right before shag lessons tonight...I have seen him off and on for over 6 mths, but he is recently single. Is a professional sports player and isn't around much, but has finally relocated back. We shall see!

You cant be first, but you can be next!!

Busy dating!

2009-07-13T18:38:00.003-04:00

I have to say, it has been a great few weeks! I have had 1 or 2 dates through the weekdays and 3-4 each weekend. The quality of men I am going out with has completely gotten better and I attribute that to the fact that I feel better about myself so I am attracting better men. I have also read 3-4 books over the past few weeks that I am going to be posting reviews about every day this week as well as some dating tips and lessons. I have been so busy I havent had time to post reviews, but they will be up soon...Enjoy!

Learn to Say NO!

2009-07-07T10:03:00.005-04:00

This month I was suppose to officially move in with an old boyfriend (as my rent was up), be engaged, and had already started to plan a wedding (even baby names, YIKES!). So this has been on my subconscious mind over the past week. I woke up this morning in cold sweats dreaming about another guy that I had dated for over 7 years.

I dreamed he proposed and I didn't know how to say, "No." Interestingly enough, because I was treated badly for so long, I didn't know how to tell him I no longer wanted to be in the relationship, then here I was, 10 years later, dating someone who had introduced me to his entire family, given me the key to his house on date two, asked for my ring size by date 3 and was living with for over 3 months.

Unfortunately, after 2 weeks of 'living together', I knew he wasn't the one. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, had spent months in tears at friends and families houses trying to write the perfect 'Dear John" letter. This was ridiculous. If I had mastered the art of saying, "No" I wont be treated a certain way, or "No", I wont become powerless to you, or "No", I will not accept you speaking to me that way....I could have saved myself tons of time, energy and tears.

Learn to say "No" before you have to learn the hard way.

THE GOLDEN EGG!

2009-07-06T10:00:00.001-04:00

Willy Wonka had a golden ticket, the Goose had a golden egg, and rock stars have Gold records. What does that have to do with us? Well, you have to consider yourself a prize in order to land one.

I use to WANT a boyfriend so bad. I dated all kinds of guys, all which were horrible, nothing to write home about, just to fill the void and basically, well...NOT THE ONE! Then, after I started investing in myself and quit looking for external validations, I became this incredible person! (though my family and friends say I have been this way all along, I just now have started agreeing!!)

I am now the person I dreamed of....really! I wanted to be a non-smoker, at the top of my field, successful, educated, giving, THIN, a great volunteer in my community and guess what?!! It has happened.

I don't NEED a man to fulfill my life. If the right guy crosses my path, then we might explore an evening or more together, however, needs and wants are different.

You NEED: water, shelter, clothing and income.
What you WANT is completely different. Make sure you can differentiate between the two.

As for me, I WANT to share my life with someone articulate, passionate about education, life, smart in a way that challenges my beliefs, pushes the walls of my box and appreciates the finer things but doesn't NEED them to feel validated.

Til then.....I am one smart, cute, and outgoing, fun golden egg, waiting to find someone that can crack my shell, and if not, its OK...cause I am sharing my experiences, constantly learning, and LIVING THE LIFE I IMAGINED!!!

Have a wonderful week and enjoy yourself as the prize that you all are!

Make Him Climb the Tree Girls!

2009-07-05T10:04:00.002-04:00

I had a friend recently tell me she met a man on a singles Christian dating site, they chatted, he came over and they slept together. They talked til 4 in the morning and she now cant figure out why he says he doesnt want a relationship, since 'Marriage' is what he has down as looking for long term on his dating profile.

Hello!!!!???!!! Ladies, I can almost guarantee that if you sleep with a guy on the first date, maybe even second, though I would wait much longer, you will never marry this man. This guy will never think of you as marraige material.

Think of yourself as like a tree, with the best fruit hanging from the top of the tree. You want your man to climb the tree and earn that best hanging fruit. If you offer it to him before he even steps near the tree, why would he work hard to climb it?

Ladies, make him climb that tree and earn your best fruits you have to offer!

His Loss....

2009-07-03T19:06:00.002-04:00

So this past week, I ran into a guy I dated off and on for over 5 years. I loved him. He was physically and mentally what I was looking for, but finally things ended very bad. I sold my beautiful 3 bedroom home, sold all of the contents on eBay and moved to NYC, where I rebuilt my self-esteem, got a masters degree at NYU, worked for the Met and MoMA and launched a couture jewelry line with a designer where my work was featured in Vogue and InStyle magazine. No I don't dwell, but I work fast....

Bottom line...I saw him this week; he still had that physical appearance that drew me to him in the first place, but I was in a better place. About 8 years ago, he told an old friend, "I love her, but cant be seen with her...she is too big". WOW....

This week, I saw him. I am a size 4/6; no longer 'big'. Now "Dr. Nikki", as a few friends like to call me, the chips have fallen. I feel great, look healthy and am in the best part of my life. Unfortunately, the only thing going right now for him is his looks. He is cute, but as a mechanic, working as a grunt, the same old stained t-shirt he wore 8 yrs ago...well...I have moved on.

Lets just say it was fun to see him. As I left and hugged everyone goodbye, he whispered in my ear, "Nicole, you look so great, I am so proud of you. I should have known better to think someone as incredible as you, would end up the way you said you would, saving the world and loving life." "Thanks", I responded and climbed into a luxury car while driving away playing some good tunes. He stopped in the street, acted busy, then watched me drive all the way down the street til I disappeared.

My sister said it best....."Doesn't that feel great?! It's HISS LOSS and the boat is getting better!"

" You bet", I said. "NEXT!"

Marry Me!

2009-07-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

As I perused the shelves of books on relationships at the library, I came across a book written by 3 white-collar professionals; a surgeon, a lawyer, and a major CEO/accountant of a top 5 firm. Reading their book from their viewpoint not only enlightened me, but it angered me. The tone of voice was that of, 'you will never amount to your spouse, if you question him, he will not want you, and you better be ready to move in with him before marriage or he will never propose'.

BONG! From the book, p. 202 "If you are Ms. Right+ Don't Push [or mention anything long term] + Staying the Same [and your personality is never different, up or down]+ Understanding his devotion to work [and that his job will always come first]= you Land Mr. Right.

Sorry, charlie....I disagree....but maybe that's why I am single. However, I know plenty of men who like the fact that there girlfriends or wives are inquisitive, can be serious or playful depending on their mood, and have successful jobs that are just important to them as their significant others.

Book Rating: 2 Star

Authors: Gerstman, Pizzo and Seldes

Timing is Everything...

2009-06-30T14:45:00.000-04:00

I really do believe that timing is everything. Over the past 2 years, I have dated some really incredible guys. Interestingly enough, now looking back, the best 3 were all coaches...football, athletic director, and another football coach. A few good sales guys thrown into the mix and I had a really fun year!

Anyway, back to my point. There were no red flags with these men. They were all great catches, but after 3-4 dates, either I quit calling or they did. It wasn't that they weren't great, it was just timing. Either I was working 2 jobs or they worked late. Our schedules never matched or we lived too far apart. I think when you are ready to settle down, you want to find the perfect fit, and though people can be great, they may not be 'The One'. Don't take it personally. When the timing is right, it will all come together.

Keep searching!

What do guys think about me writing about them?

2009-06-29T12:10:00.003-04:00

I had a friend this weekend, a married man, ask me, "Don't you think once guys realize you are writing about them, they wont want to go out with you?" After talking at length with him about what I really write about, we thought it was a good idea that I let everyone in on a few things.

1. On a first date, you only really get to know about 10% of what a person is really like, since everyone is on their best behavior. I only write about 1% of the date. So no, I don't really expose much.

2. When I date someone, even seriously, you get to know 90-95% of someone, and then, I only write about maybe 10% of the experience.

So to answer his question....no one should think I am going to expose their dirty laundry, tell their secrets, or let the world know they are bad kissers. I am just scratching the surface, change all names, locations, and real situations to help other daters understand that they aren't alone in this journey and that we all learn from our experiences.

Happy Dating!

What!!! Facebook might make a Connection!

2009-06-24T14:20:00.004-04:00

(above picture is of NYC Riverside Park Boat Basin Cafe, like Wrightsville Beach's Dockside on Steroids, celebrities and every chic boat you could ever imagine....)

So this random guy added me on Facebook and I accepted, then later on told me he thought I was an old friend of his in Charlotte and is a major news anchor/director in NC. We have been talking via Facebook and made a great friendship out of it! He is married. I told him I am getting ready to write/blog for a local magazine as the dating columnist and he was so excited! After telling him I was single and did he might know a few fellas, he asked me what I was looking for...this was my answer...

-college educated, bachelors degree is fine

-a guy that likes to try new restaurants...home bodies not good, though I love to stay in and cook, grill out, oyster roast, read, knit, etc

-love a boat guy...i like to fish, really, but not a red neck..hahaa...I like inshore or offshore fishing, kayaking, throwing a pole in at the pier (but boats better)

-someone who works hard and plays hard...I work 2-3 jobs and launching a couture jewelry line...don't sit still well, but its OK if he doesn't...laid back guys are great

-has to like to travel...anywhere...taught in Cuba last year, like to volunteer abroad, planning a trip to Paris in the spring, lived in NYC and make a few trips back to Brooklyn to see old friends and go to old museums I worked in....but always end up at the boat basin for bloody Marys;)

- Blood Mary Sundays, shrimp, scallops, and shag/beach music...that's my mantra

-I am always reading something about improving myself...or learning a new skill!

-I am very easy to get along with and love to learn, passionate about life and basically the life of the party...know any takers?????

oh yeah...not into exaggerators or drug addicts...

So you never know how you might stumple upon your next date, but you need to be willing to let people know you are looking and exactly what you are look for!

Do I miss him?

2009-06-23T13:10:00.009-04:00

Today my dad was bringing me back home from my long awaited surgery. We passed an old boyfriend in traffic. I have seen him once in public before and had no emotions about it, though I really missed his dog. Then we passed him in traffic today and it kinda hit home.

During our entire relationship I was in excrutiating pain, he had addictions that I wouldnt repeat, but am open to share that I drank wine every night to dull my back pain. We were not in good physical or mental health. So finally I am healed and the first person I wanted to share this with was the person I loved for so long and wanted to share forever with, unfortunately, this is a false sense of reality.

Looking back at our relationship, it was nothing but normal. On the surface, it looked great...he was all about appearances, but behind closed doors was another person. I don't miss him. I miss the image he portrayed to others.

Long story short, he was not the one. I believe God gives you tests along the way and allows you to learn and grow from each relationship.

So do I miss him, no. I miss the companionship, since that is really all our relationship was all about, but I can get that with a dog.